The Ence Gang

The Ence Gang

Friday, April 18, 2014

Pregnancy and Miscarriage Saga

Where to start? I was once the blogging queen, I ruled at it, it was fun, I was witty and enjoyed sharing our experiences. But then somewhere along the way it began to feel tedious, took longer than I wanted it to (I hate that I have to upload photos to Photobucket and then link them to my blog), and really I just became lazy. I truly go on my blog just about every day, checking to see who else has kept up with their blogging. I don't have a true answer as to my blogging hiatus, I think it's been many things. But today I feel like blogging. So, hello again.

Well good news, I am happy to share that I am pregnant! Finally. First of all I have to say that sometimes I feel like a spoiled brat because I had to wait for 1 1/2 years while we were really trying to get pregnant. And that was hard, I will explain more in the coming paragraphs. But let me say that I support, pray for, and admire those friends, family, strangers that are going through similar things, or harder things. It is so hard to want something so bad and to just not understand why it's not happening. All my love and prayers to you. I do not take my blessing for granted.

So yay! I am pregnant, not only am I pregnant, but I'm pregnant with..... tw.... you thought I was going to say twins huh? Umm, my head would explode, as cool as that would be, I've only got one squishy swimming around in there. NO, I was going to say I'm 15 weeks pregnant! That, is nothing to shirk at. That's, 2nd trimester bliss people.
12 week with a heartbeat and everything!
I am so happy and grateful to be on my way with this pregnancy, and that I am technically out of the "scary" stage. (Past 12 weeks.) Although, I doubt I will stop worrying, however little it may be, until this baby is in my arms. Why all the worry and fear? Here's the rest of the story that you probably all put together on your own:

Deric and I started trying to have a baby in August of 2012, dang that sounds so long ago. I wanted to have my kids closer in age and Deric agreed to try, which is most of the battle really, or so I thought it would be. When we tried with Bladen, we pretty much got pregnant the first time around, it was a giant blessing I am now realizing. But months and months of trying went by and no pregnancy. Finally when we sold our house and were packing up all of our possessions from the home we loved for 3 years, I found out I was pregnant at the end of April 2013. Eeee, I was so excited and READY. I was a bit bummed my due date was January 2nd because that would mean no family for Christmas again, I wouldn't be able to fly. Plus January is like the most depressing month of the year in conjunction with baby blues that would surly come. BUT, I was pregnant and thankful and happy.

Then Deric and I experienced probably one of the worst summers ever. We moved into a temporary place that was just a mistake from the beginning. It was a blessing, but it's one of those blessings you look back on and wonder why that had to happen. I'm sure one day we will understand or have more perspective. But it was a bad stressful situation, on top of job searching, trying to plan moving to Jamestown and finding a place to live, and Deric barely having hours at his job. Then I miscarried. Sometimes Deric and I sit and talk about "how" it happened, and what really made it happen. (It being the miscarriage.) There was an event, one that I don't think I will ever share publicly because I don't want to be that person and air mine or other's dirty laundry and experiences for people to judge. But it was extremely stressful and upsetting and probably the worst experience I've ever had in my life. I shortly miscarried afterwards, and whether it was this event with all it's incredible stress on my body that "caused" it to happen or not, we'll never really know. Sometimes I blame it on that event, usually on days that I'm probably being less mature, and then most of the time I can be logical and know that sometimes things just happen.

June 2013
I had a D&C at the beginning of June, which wasn't a terrible experience, but who wants to go through one of those by choice? It's kind of weird having a miscarriage, and the different emotions you go through. I imagine it must be different for everyone. But at first I was of course sad and disappointed, but I remember thinking I should be a lot more upset about this. But I was 9 weeks pregnant, and there was probably never a heartbeat. I hadn't connected with the baby, I just wasn't as upset as I thought I would be. I was more upset about the decision to get a D&C because it just felt so final, and abortion like. I know it wasn't, and I am sure is very different than actually getting an abortion. But all I could think of were these sad graphic thoughts in my head, that was the hard thing to decide. But I didn't want to wait around for my body to do things naturally when it could have taken a long time.

Truthfully as time has gone on and I have been able to process things more, I think I have a sadness that it happened. But I feel like I have a good perspective on life and my beliefs. January 2nd, 2014, my due date, was sad. It was hard to think that I would have had a baby around that time. I cried a bit that day, and have random times that I get sad and think about "how behind" I am with my family, but really I'm not. Every family is different and even though mine hasn't turned out as I had planned so far, I am grateful and happy to have my family.

OK- sad stuff is over. Now you know. But like I said, it probably wasn't hard to figure out with all the comments I would make about needing a baby NOW and how sometimes you wonder about some of your friends on facebook and "why haven't they had another kid yet?" (We've all done it.)

ANYWAY- continuing on with what is now a long essay, Deric and I couldn't try again for 2 to 3 more month after the D&C. So in August, a year later from when we began this baby making journey, we started again. And goodness this is where I feel like a brat because it was so hard to understand why it wouldn't happen, why why why? How frustrating. Month after month. What is wrong with me? What if Bladen will be our only child? What if it takes years and we need outside help? I feel like a brat because these are real questions for others that they are still asking. (Loves to you!) But we got pregnant in the beginning of February. Technically I am supposed to start over from our trying countdown from when I miscarried, but I am counting from when we first really started. Over a year and a half, goodness. I am thankful.

Deric's, "you're going to be a dad again" pie. What a lucky man.
My saga needs to end, this has taken me all day to write. Here are the quick facts:

-Due Date: October 7th (Holy cow! OCTOBER?! Again?! Maybe I am more fertile in February...)
-15 weeks, 2nd tri. I look about 20 weeks, darn flabby skin pushed up early by uterus.
-Gained probably about 5 pounds, look like I've gained 10, 15, 20....
-I'm in that awkward looking stage. Others may think I look pregnant, but I just feel pudgerific.
-I won't find out the gender until the end of May. *Sob* That is so far away. We are all crossing our fingers for a girl. I seriously want a girl, so I will probably get a boy. But I had a day dream today of just holding my new teeny tiny and rocking them in the dark. I don't care what I have, I want that baby no matter what it is.
-I have been sick this pregnancy, a lot more so than with Bladen. Nothing particularly sounds good, like no specific weird cravings. But it has been so hard to eat healthy this time around, nothing healthy sounds good.
Puke count: 5

That's all for now, I'll hopefully keep you posted better. I really enjoyed the new found freedom and voice I had when I was pregnant with Bladen. Maybe it was bravery, maybe I didn't care what people thought all the sudden. Probably the last one. So gear up, because I may be talking about gas, or potty training details, or nipple soreness, whatever I want. I can't miss out on recording that fun this time around.

My alien baby is staring into your soul.... (cue the X-Files music!)

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Starting Fresh

Well Happy New Year to you! It's been a long while since I blogged diligently and unfortunately I'm not going to proclaim that I will blog every day in 2014.

I supposed I want to reflect, that is what people usually do this time of year. We reflect on our past year, ourselves and the events that transpired. Then usually we set goals or highlight the changes we want to make in this new fresh year, because who doesn't like a fresh start? Who doesn't want to improve and make themselves better?

It's a shame that we highlight or focus on all the negativity from the previous year first. Maybe it's not that way for everyone, but I think most people tend to see the negative first because it is what sticks out in our minds. I'm not exempt from this at all, when I look back at this year I put behind me a few hours ago, I see the hard and the heart ache from 2013. There has been a lot I haven't shared this year because it's not very fun to talk about your personal struggles (it makes them more real and final), thus why I haven't blogged much, I just didn't feel like it. And I still don't know if I'm ready to talk and address all my whatevers. BUT, even though I see some of the hards first, if I look around them and maybe even through some of them, I can see the happiness and immense blessings that we enjoyed this year.

I'm going to quickly (it took all day do this, blogging takes forever!) brainstorm and write down blessings and happiness that we experienced for each month of this last year. When I look back at this blog I want to remember the happy as well.

My Happiness in 2013

-Deric FINALLY got to start his dream job. It's a smidgen of his real dream job, but he finally got to begin teaching at JCC. We were both so happy and excited to start this journey.

-Grammy and Papa came to visit us!

-We finally sold our house after it being on the market for just about a year. We didn't make any money, but we were OK with that. We just felt it to be a huge blessing for it to finally be sold.

-We discovered Bladen's love for bowling!

-For Deric's Birthday I surprised him with a day of festivities of his choosing. (I never blogged about this, bummer city. Maybe later.) I compiled a list and picked to go to the boat museum in Erie. Sounds boring, but it was actually pretty cool!
We got to go on this sucker as they were putting the masts back up from the winter. It was cool!

-We celebrated Deric's 31st birthday!
-We packed and closed on our house.

-We got to go to the Oregon Coast with my family! It was probably one of the biggest highlights of the year for me. (And I got to see Lukey Pants, I'm obsessed with that kid.)

-Deric finished up his first semester of teaching!
-We went to the Meaville Balloon Festival for the last time. There were only two balloons this year due to mushy grounds, but Bladen still loved it.

-I went to Girls Camp for the first time as a leader!

-We took family photos, finally.

-I played softball for the first time in YEARS and had a blast! Our team was terrible and had poor attitudes, but I still had a really good time playing on and off throughout the summer.

-July's (and June's and most of May's) saving grace was our big move to Jamestown that happened at the beginning of August!

-We explored our new city and it's parks a bunch!
Oh that hair! I equally love and hate it. I kind of miss it, but then I don't. Deric misses it.
-Deric started his first full year of teaching at JCC.
-Bladen and I got to go on a SUPER AWESOME trip to Viriginia with our best friend's, Christina and Avery! (I didn't blog about this either, it was awesome and must be blogged!)

I'm not sure what is happening in this picture, but it's awesome!
I hope we get to go back next year because it was so fun! Who wouldn't like time with fun people, a beautiful place, and swimming every day?! ( More on this topic later!)

-My hair is no longer a virgin to dye! I loved my dark dark hair. I would love if I could make it last longer, but I'm not willing to do the upkeep and touch up roots. Too much work and money. But I will do a semi-permanent every once in awhile!
Don't I look sexy and sleek with dark hair? And I don't even have any make up on in this picture.  Boo ya!
-More exploring and getting to know people in Jamestown. There are kids for Bladen to play with!

-Deric finally received his copy of the book his work was published in!

-We got to go to Oregon and play with Grammy and Papa! I got to do my temple/sushi date with my dad, and we had lots of fun doing pumpkin stuff with grandparents!
This is seriously one of my new favorite things. Ever.
So is this! We need to go to pumpkin patches together every year! We had a blast!
-Then we went to Cali to meet up with Stephanie and her kiddos to have our second annual Girls Week! We also got to go do a special trick or treating in Disneyland. Now if THAT could happen ever year, that would be a blessed, happy miracle. =) (And I got to see my Lukey again!)

This was also a highlight of my year. Big time.
-Bladen celebrated his 3rd birthday! His birthday party was kind of a disaster that we learned from, but we got to go bowling again as a family before that!
-I celebrated my 28th GOLDEN birthday!

-We went trick or treating a couple of times in addition to our Disney Trick or Treat day!

-We got to see family again very shortly for my Grandma's funeral in Utah. Sad, but good. (I need to blog about this too.)
 It was so good to see my cousins that I haven't seen in years, or just in passing at each other's weddings. It was nice to sit and talk for a bit, even though it still wasn't enough time. Aren't we all cute?
(I got more unexpected Luke time. He fills me up.)

It was very nice to get to spend more time with my family. We enjoyed going to temple square.

-Grandma and Grand Dad Ence were so nice and came up for an afternoon to spend some time with their grandson. It was so nice to see them again and we had a lot of fun.

-I finally got to meet ETHAN COPELAND, and see my best friend! It had been way way too long! We stayed at their cute house and played for a few days after the funeral.
This kid is a hoot and a half, and taught me a lot. =) Bladen loved Lola, rightfully so. And we are lame and didn't get a picture together.
-Our Thanksgiving was very nice, spent with our favorite people, the Marquez family! 

-We got to go to Utah for Christmas! A major highlight of the year, getting to see so much family!
It was so good to see everyone, and to also get to see my grandparents. Bladen had an absolute blast with his cousins and grandparents. He was very demanding of their time, but I don't think they minded at all.

I finally got to meet my other little nephew, Brayden. That's right, Deric's brother named his son BRAYDEN and my son's name is BLADEN. That's just mean. haha. No one can keep their names straight. Nice one Tyson.

 But Brayden is my new little obsession along with my Lukey. I loved on him as much as I could this trip.

Oooo that kid gets me, I sure love him.
He was so funny when he would jabber at you and talk to you like he had something conversational to say and then would give a hearty chuckle at the end. Then he's keep on going and repeat it several times. SO CUTE. "Blah blah blah, jabber jabber jabber, HA HA. Blah blah, jabber jabber, HAHA...."

And that was my year. There were a lot of hard moments, yes, but there were so many great ones, especially towards to end of the year. I'm so grateful that the Lord has blessed me and my family so greatly to be able to enjoy what we have, where we are, the family and friends we got to see this year, and all the other little moments in between. I am so blessed. 

So as I begin this new year, I look forward to the happiness and blessings. I know there will be trials and hardness. I think there is difficulty in everyone's lives, and that's just kind of where Deric and I are at with his career and living in the East away from our families. But trials are there for a reason, to learn and to grow from. We are eager for change and to reach or goals, but we are working hard and focusing on happiness in the meantime. 

This year I choose to be happy, to find and live my life with happiness.

Happy 2014!